Unhidden Read online

  unHIDDEN

  A Book for Men

  And Those Confused by Them

  ROBERT

  KANDELL

  What the Advance Readers Are Saying

  Raw, real, and sobering, Robert Kandell delivers a much-needed guidebook for men stuck in turmoil. You've been conditioned to operate on a set of deep unconscious rules and assumptions that no longer work in real life, leaving you depressed and confused. This book is the answer. ~ Amanda Steinberg, founder of DailyWorth

  In unHIDDEN, Robert essentially says everything there is to say about communication for men (and the women who love them): how relationships sour when we mess them up, and what to do instead. If you suspect you have communication problems (and don't we all?), this book has the answers you need. ~ Bryan Reeves, author of Tell The Truth, Let The Peace Fall Where It May and Podcast Host of Men, This Way ...

  Most of us are aware that the old rules of man-woman relating no longer apply, but we long for a coherent, trustworthy voice to teach us the new rules. That voice, as it turns out, belongs to Robert Kandell. In this precise, funny, and groundbreakingly real guide, Kandell walks men (and those confused by them) through the historical origins of our current gender crisis toward an inspiring future where freedom and abundance replace competition and scarcity. Chock full of stories from his own life and the lives of his clients—and complete with practical, step-by-step advice—unHidden teaches men to not only survive, but truly thrive in our new world order. Spoiler alert: The secret lies in the willingness to become more and more vulnerable, real, and unashamed. In other words, unHidden. Men everywhere are ready for this upgrade, and now, thanks to Rob, they have the guidebook they need to get the job done. ~ Kelly Notaras, author of The Book You Were Born to Write

  Attention all men! Robert’s book is far greater than more of the same commiserating about current day ills or feel good ideas that go nowhere. It’s a deep wake up call to realize our full spectrum of consciousness and to find and live from our unapologetic center. Robert candidly shares powerful and usable wisdom he’s gained from going down the hidden doors of sex, power, and money. unHIDDEN reveals direct practices and a way of life that will surely be of great benefit to every man wanting to discover and live a path that’s integral, joy-filled, and wise

  Don’t just read it ... devour it and celebrate how you will expand. ~ Satyen Raja, founder of WarriorSage Trainings

  unHIDDEN is a book that will challenge and redefine what you think it means to be a man in today’s world. It takes readers on a powerful journey of self discovery to unearth the deepest part of themselves so they can understand what keeps them from being their best. This is an incredibly well crafted resource for men and those confused by them. A must read in this current climate! ~ Connor Beaton, founder of ManTalks

  unHIDDEN is a provocative and powerful guide for navigating the roles, stereotypes, assumptions, and masks we wear in relationship. Robert’s story, exercises, and practices are potent portals to uncovering what hides within, and the unbridled communication and deeper intimate connection we’re all longing for. ~ Nancy Levin, author of The New Relationship Blueprint

  There is no greater gift for our world than for men to be in their benevolent, awakened power. unHIDDEN is a book that shows men how to confront their addiction to mediocrity and to cultivate the best version of themselves. This is a book written by a man brought to his knees by his own Hero's Journey who has brought back the medicine to share with ALL of us in the form of this powerful book. Brilliantly written with Rob's signature style of wit, heroic heart, and tough-love wisdom, this book weaves together story, practices, and most importantly, the encouragement and incentive to begin living a bold life of freedom by learning to live a life unHIDDEN. ~ Gillian Pothier, archetypal mentor, feminine eros

  unHidden is an unflinching look at what it takes to find your way as a man in today's world—without offering easy answers or indulging in the polarizing politics of resentment that's become so disturbingly common. With clarity and vulnerability, Rob Kandell combines his personal story, insights from his many years as a coach, and scientific findings into a practical and exceptionally readable guide. Don't miss it! ~ Bob Gower, strategist, experience designer, and author of Getting to Hell Yes

  Copyright © 2018 by Kandell Consulting LLC

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Ordering Information for Quantity Sales. Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the publisher at the address below.

  Printed in the United States of America

  First Printing, 2018

  ISBN 1-7278128-3-2

  Kandell Consulting LLC

  Suite 208

  20969 Ventura Blvd

  Woodland Hills, CA 91364

  https://robertkandell.com/

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  INTRODUCTION

  1MY WAKE-UP CALL

  2 WHAT IT MEANS TO LIVE UNHIDDEN

  3 HOW THIS BOOK IS WRITTEN

  CONFRONT

  4 HOW TO SPEND $100,000 TO AVOID INTIMACY

  5 IT’S A TOUGH TIME TO BE A MAN

  6 THE SOCIETY OF DISAPPROVAL

  7THE INFLUENCE OF SCARCITY

  8 YOUR SEXUAL SHAME

  INVESTIGATE

  9 EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

  10 YOUR MASCULINE/FEMININE RATIO

  11WHAT WOMEN WANT

  12THE IMPACT OF PORN

  YOUR PRACTICE

  13 ELEMENTS OF ACHIEVING EXCELLENCE

  14LEARN TO COMMUNICATE

  15BUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

  16PAYING QUALITY ATTENTION TO A WOMAN

  17UNDERSTANDING DYNAMIC RELATIONSHIPS

  18INTEGRITY

  INTEGRATION

  19YOUR EXPANSION

  20EXERCISES FOR LIVING UNHIDDEN

  21YOUR NEXT STEPS

  FOR THOSE CONFUSED BY MEN

  CONCEPT 01 WE’VE CREATED THIS MESS TOGETHER

  CONCEPT 02INSPIRE HIM WITH YOUR TRUTH

  CONCEPT 03THE POWER OF YOUR APPROVAL

  CONCEPT 04INTERACTING WITH HIS SHAME

  CONCEPT 05 DEALING WITH HIS FRUSTRATION

  CONCEPT 06HIS SCARCITY AROUND SEX

  FINAL WORD

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  FURTHER SUPPORT

  AYOUR NEW FRAMEWORK FOR LIVING UNHIDDEN

  BWHAT LIES BELOW A MAN’S PRIVILEGE: FEAR AND DESIRE

  CRECOMMENDED READING LIST

  DNOTES AND REFERENCES

  E CONNECT WITH ME

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Morgan Mellas Kandell.

  While it is my name on the cover, I must give credit where credit is due.

  This is our co-creation.

  I know who I was before I met you.

  I know this book would have been a diluted version of itself without your contribution.

  I bow deeply to your brilliance, insight, power, and knowledge.

  You are my best friend, teacher, lover, and partner I’ve ever known.

  This book is dedicated to you with my deep, humble gratitude.

  INTRODUCTION

  1

  MY WAKE-UP CALL

  10:30 a.m. on March 20, 1999, was the worst moment of my life.

  Three weeks prior, Carol, my wife of three years, had called me and asked, somewhat shyly, if I wanted to take a class with her around our sex life. Covering the phone to avoid alerting my corporate America office suite mates to the nature of the conversation, I whispered, “Sex? Uh, what do you mean?”

  She relayed that she had been talking to a teacher at her massage
school.

  How’s your sex life? she had asked Carol.

  It’s good, uh, it’s fine … well … it could use something, Carol had told her.

  Apparently, this was the something. She was now asking her rather prudish and shy husband if he wanted to pay for a class about our sex life. I didn’t hesitate. When a healthy 28-year-old male is not having sex with his lovely but confusing wife and she offers to take a class on the topic, the answer is pretty obvious. I squeaked, “Y-y-yes! I’d love to,” and quickly got off the phone. Hanging up, I wondered exactly what I had just said yes to. If that naive man had a clue of what he had just set into motion, he might have not been so quick to answer.

  As a self-professed nice guy, born Jewish from the suburbs of 1970s New York, I had been well trained by my parents on exactly how I was supposed to live my life. It could be mapped out like this:

  You might notice there is no mention of taking a sex class with his wife.

  On the surface, I was doing pretty well. I believed I was happily married, I had a corporate job, and I had recently received the keys to a five-bedroom house in San Francisco. I was quickly climbing the ladder, rarely fought with my bride, was in good shape, and enjoyed mountain biking with my yuppie friends in Marin. I was successfully following the path laid out for me and had the approval of my parents who lived nearby and visited frequently. Our new house was perfect for producing progeny, allowing my parents to enjoy being grandparents again. I felt the underlying pressure to produce male heirs to continue my family name. I described myself as a happy and content man.

  At the same time, I had not yet confronted the darker side of my life. I was overweight, distant from Carol, working an outrageous number of hours, and missing any semblance of the personal purpose I had possessed as a younger man. I was on autopilot, unconsciously following the road map I had inherited. And as for our sex life, well, it was non-existent. Later I would compare it to a penny stock which had a big peak at its onset but quickly dropped down toward zero as time went on. I had no seduction or skills in bed and we rarely even took off our clothes in front of each other. The saddest part was that I truly believed that this was normal and had no inclination to put any effort into changing it.

  Ten days later on a fine spring morning, Carol and I crossed the Golden Gate Bridge and found the pretty white clapboard house in the small town of Sleepy Hollow. Towns in Marin county tended to have two main demographics: the super-rich and the hippies, who could only afford to live communally. As I opened the door, I realized I was about to enter the latter type of residence. The strong smell of incense hit me in the face at the same moment I spied a mandala on the wall. I navigated an unruly litter of shoes, avoiding the naked child running around, and descended a set of stairs to the basement where the course was to be held. I nervously checked out the other participants—roughly eighteen 20- to 30-year-olds—all of whom seemed very different from me. None sported outfits like my chinos and collar shirt, but instead had dreadlocks, piercings, tattoos, and strange clothes that looked like they were right out of a Mad Max movie. I felt terribly out of place, but was determined not to show any fear or weakness.

  The course started as the instructor, a fierce, handsome man named Erwan, and his partner, an attractive, lithe woman named Allyson, sat down on the couch. After some preliminaries, he asked each of the students who sat in the circle to introduce themselves to the group. I was first and leaned forward in my seat.

  Ah. my name is Robert and this is my wife, Carol. Although I don’t really like her name so I call her Wolfie …

  I spoke for another five minutes and felt even though this was my first experience, I knew I had nailed this introduction. Smiling, I half-expected the other students to stand up, clap, or even do the wave in tribute to my brilliance. Erwan might nudge Allyson over to provide a space on the couch so I could co-lead the class with him. I glanced around looking for their approval.

  Instead, Erwan looked at me with cool eyes and said, with no inflection in his voice, “Do you know that your wife is crying?”

  I didn’t quite understand his words. Crying? Carol? What? I turned my head 90 degrees towards her as time slowed down to a crawl. Instead of the beaming, happy, approving wife I had imagined, tears flowed down her red cheeks. I was totally confused, hurt, and scared. She turned away to face the teachers. I turned and looked pleadingly at Erwan for help out of this mess. He unflinchingly kept my gaze for another 15 seconds and did the worst thing possible. He asked, “Okay, who’s next?”

  Heat was burning throughout my body as my ego went into overdrive. I had never felt so angry, ashamed, embarrassed, and confused in my life. I blamed Carol for getting me into this position. I blamed Erwan for not taking care of me. I blamed the other people in the class for not sticking up for me. I was in turmoil because I was the guy who was always in control and always knew the right thing to say. I wasn’t a guy who made his wife cry. That wasn’t me because I was the guy … who … never … always …

  I stopped my internal fighting and sat in silence for several moments. I began to realize that I actually didn’t know myself, had never considered that my words could be so offensive.

  The descriptors chauvinistic, arrogant, and misogynistic rose to my consciousness and I felt the intense shame of who I was.

  I also deduced this was probably not the first time Carol had felt this way but had never felt safe enough to show me my impact. Like any cinematic movie montage, all the images came together to show my level of ignorance.

  I knew I had two choices in that moment. I could stand up, make a scene, demand that Carol come home with me, drive home in silence, and slip back into the no-sex, disconnected status quo of our lives. My second option, the one I picked, was to sit there, feel the burn, and confront my inadequacies. What felt like the worst moment of my life, in hindsight, was a wake-up call. It was a moment of significant proportion and I made a solemn vow that I would do the work to understand this unseen part of myself. Even though it was twenty years ago, I can still feel the burn of embarrassment rushing through my body. I can also feel the gratitude, because it turned out to be the doorway to an adventure of a lifetime that has surpassed my greatest expectations.

  2

  WHAT IT MEANS TO LIVE UNHIDDEN

  What does it mean to live unHIDDEN? It means you feel 100 percent free in revealing all aspects of your inner world to your intimate friends. You have the winning combination of powerful self-validation, clear communication skills, a knowing of your purpose, and a desire to live authentically in all aspects of your life. I appreciate that this may seem like a foreign concept to you at this point. However, let’s assume there are elements here that attracted you to pick up this book. Let’s explore them.

  What has brought you to read this book?

  Did you have a similar moment when you saw a dark part of yourself you now wish to investigate?

  Are you an adventurous spirit who is looking for his next mountain to climb?

  Perhaps you’ve heard about it from social media or heard my podcast, Tuff Love?

  Maybe your wife bought it for you and left it on your nightstand?

  Or perhaps you sense that life wasn’t supposed to end up this way. That a great unexposed part of yourself feels hidden and wishes to find the path towards freedom, expansion, deep satisfying relationships, and amazing sex?

  Whatever your reason, I wholeheartedly welcome you to your journey. Let’s start with my promise for the book.

  unHIDDEN is a pragmatic guide book to support you on your mission of having 100 percent freedom and abundance in a world based on scarcity. I can imagine you shaking your head at this promise. Did you just think “Snake oil salesman—100 percent freedom? Total abundance?”

  Stay with me for a moment as we break this promise apart.

  unHIDDEN is a pragmatic how-to book refers to the way this book is set up. I will be sharing my own vulnerable experiences, giving examples, and offering statistics, first to help y
ou understand the concepts and then to learn how to integrate them into your life.

  To support you on your mission refers to your life, your choices, and your willingness to work on yourself. Society says it's okay for you to blame others for your life circumstances. You can blame your parents, your spouse, your high school teachers, or that boss who doesn’t see who you truly are. I disagree. Living unHIDDEN begins with this mantra: It’s not the circumstance, it’s me! Yes, it is your life and your journey and it begins the moment you’re willing to get off the couch, turn off Netflix, and get to work. Let’s create some motion in your life so you have it exactly the way you want it.

  Having 100 percent freedom and abundance refers to your mental state, not your physical or financial state. It doesn’t mean that, if you do the exercises well, you are guaranteed to have Tai Lopez’s cars or Bill Gates’ bankroll. It means you will have the opportunity to reframe your thinking about your life so you can fall in love with your circumstances. From this state, you have many more options than the normal whiny, “life sucks” attitude.

  A core viewpoint of this book is that we live in a world based on scarcity, swimming in a mindset that believes and teaches us that there are limited resources of time, love, money, and sex. You, as a citizen of this scarce world, are certainly doing it all wrong. You’re working too much, eating too much, wearing the wrong clothes—and you smell odiferous. This book will teach you to swim upstream against these powerful narratives you may not have even been aware of.